you know what pisses me off? friends who don't act like friends. friends who tell you they always make time for their friends and don't. friends who ignore you. friends who are happy to see you until they realize you don't fit into their life. friends who don't reply to your email, not even one word. friends who comment on everyone else's wall except yours. friends who encourage you to open your heart and subsequently crush said heart.
you know what also pisses me off? how angry i am with my friend and how important this friendship is for me...why are my eyes welling with tears now? how did i get here? once hopeful and energized by friend and now frustrated and regretful. rejected again. rejected by an old friend, one whom i never thought i would talk to again. one who reminded me of happy me, pre-depressed me, innocent me. one with whom i share common interests. or so i thought.
damned if i do...be myself, tell my truth, feel appreciated.
fuck this world and the horse it rode in on.
too tired to climb the emotional ladder
tired of looking through rose colored fun house mirrors
distortion persuading my heart to peek
look, just a little, maybe this time will be ok
persuading my soul to unlock prayers
and go to bed before I wake
again i fail, fall, frustrate my forward progression
what happened?
no answer
was it something I said?
no answer
one too many emails?
no answer
intrusion of public privacy?
no answer
expectation higher than yours?
no answer
will you please contact me and explain?
nothing
i hear you loud and clear.
i hear gentle crackings, like the iced lake removing itself from the warming shore
that's my confidence
that's why I'm pissed
at myself
3 comments:
Well, then. You can look at me as your own portable ice machine. I am your own and personal Zamboni. Between us, we can re-freeze that iced lake and keep it solid and strong.
You are the most important person you know. My plan is to help you understand that. Once you do, we'll be able to drive TRUCKS across that iced lake.
at least someone has a plan...and a comment to leave me...peace friend.
Alicia and were talking about this sort of thing last night, only with reference to our customers; we are both self employed. I figure that we are who we are, and if that leaves us too open to hurt we can either change (difficult) or be more selective about the company we keep (easier). A small number of other people have made me feel rejected, insignificant, inadequate, uninteresting... so I have beaten myself up in the past and reflected on what I could do different. But I need to recognise that sometimes other people are just insensitive, rude, self absorbed, cruel... sometimes trying to please them is impossible. So I'm more careful about who I spend time with, who I work for, who is in the inner circle. I can't ask anyone to look out for my interests except me, so I protect myself. The hard part for me in doing that was to make decisions that wouldn't please others (and made me uncomfortable) but were good for me, saying no to customers I don't want to work for, putting distance in friendships, culling the fb list without feeling unpopular. Good luck... and wishing you happiness.
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