Not feeling forward momentum today. Sliding backwards, sliding away. Feeling the old creeping in and encompassing the good vibes. This is a recurring pattern, not as often as years ago, but does occur. so maybe it's the seasonal effectiveness of grey skies and torrential rains for 12 hours of awakeness. Remember every fall and winter years ago? Black tunnels of Hell. Not anywhere near that now. Thank you God.
So why the mood? Why the pout? Why the negativity? Good question. Be thankful for what you've overcome...
Emotional abuse from two men, well, one man and one wanna be man. Back to back blunders for me. Not realizing the pattern for many years...see how you get caught up? When someone says they love you and you believe them and you expect certain ways for their love to be expressed to you, you can get caught up. Caught up in looking for those expressions and expecting your expectations and needing more than you are receiving. Becoming vulnerable by the minute because you believe what they tell you and then they don't produce what they promise. Believe that you are the reason for their unhappiness...when you haven't done anything differently than the first day. The day you were born, the day you met, the day you agreed to give yourself entirely. Dad or boyfriend, doesn't matter, both are who I wanted to please and wanted for them to please me.
Trusting a father is something a child is born with. Trust that you get taken care of no matter what. Trust that you will be comforted and protected and listened too, eventually. When that day doesn't come, and that day turns into fear and uncertainty and confusion...that's when you turn to someone else who may be able to fulfill your wants and needs. Friends who use you and talk shit to others about you. People who assume you are someone other than you are and take what they can. You let them because you need to feel needed. You let yourself be someone else, be somewhere other than where you are because that doesn't work anymore. You strive to change into a foreigner, someone you don't even recognize. Fuck your self respect, he tells me it's wrong anyway.
Smoke up, forget. Drink up, forget. Drive a carload full of drugged up kids, forget. Lie about everything, forget. Forget how to be yourself. Forget what loving yourself means. Wait, I never learned how that feels. What does that mean anyway? You are supposed to agree with your thoughts and like what you say to people and know that you may make mistakes but you will survive after that? What the hell does all that have to do with feeling loved and wanted and included and listened too? I'll go on following the other high kids and see how much comfort that brings me. And if that doesn't work, I'll find someone else who can provide my instant gratification...to forget and feel good. No matter the cost. I never developed morals and values and opinions of my self behavior, so there's nothing to act out against or feel guilty about. Fuck it!
See Dad, see world, see how I can make my own decisions and survive my way? Barely...survive right into the arms of another abuser.
Well he didn't start out that way. Actually I introduced him to drugs and he turned ugly soon after. I started using him and he turned it around on me...who'da thunk? By the time I was left ragged, wrung out, and broken, he was in rehab and I found my way out. I didn't plan on breaking up with him over the phone, when he called me from the hospital...but he got mad and I got mad and I did it. I planned on telling him the next day when I visited him. His parents already knew I would. His therapist knew too. I met with his therapist. Why? Because for the last 2 years he threatened to kill himself if I left him...and I didn't know what to do about that burden. He was in a safe place and the supporters were ready for the worst, so I cut myself free and haven't spoken with him since. Done. Finality. Freedom...for three weeks exactly.
Then the next, unexpected lifetime begins. Boyfriend, daughter, husband, move, son, move again. On our own. Here we are.
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