panic at the disco

I had an anxiety attack today.  In my own home.  With my family present.

I felt my breath revving up and my heart pounding.  Almost as quickly as the thoughts running criss-cross my brain.  Thinking was my enemy and I longed to erase each thought instantly.  STOP!! I yelled inside.  The tears came anyway.  SHIT!! I yelled out loud.  Don’t talk to me!  Leave me alone!  I have to get outa here!  Suffocating…

Trigger today?  Unsure.  De-escalation?  Forcing myself to do what I did not want to do.  Tough self-love.  A little air conditioning at Meijer helped also.  Damn, I hate humidity.   Let’s call humidity the trigger today, just for the hell of it.  If we come up with something better later, we’ll adjust.

So the sweat forming underneath my hairline suffocated my senses.  The interactions with my husband distracted my rationality.  The irrational thoughts of that which has not happened and may never, brought me to my knees.  Objectively watching the rerun of my temper tantrum…speechless.

My dog has panic attacks too.  She started last spring and they went away after we turned on the a/c for the summer. Hmmm. This spring she’s begun to scratch at the wooden screen slider door that my husband painstakingly repaired last week.  Yep, she carved herself a doggy door in our kitchen, and forgot how to bark or whine or nudge humans to communicate her needs.  Our dining room carpet sports a fro in one corner, ala ginger’s creative clawing.  I believe our 11 year old canine is adjusting to decreased senses, increased peripheral shadows, and amplified neighborhood noises through open windows. Not even the invitation to jump onto our bed with us will soothe her. I understand.  I want to crawl under the desk sometimes too.

Over stimulation.  Noise.  Noisy, negative thoughts inside my brain, amplified under stress.  Where is it from?  What do I do with it?  How can I get away?  If I cover my ears or close my eyes or scream, will it stop?  If I scratch at the floor or jump on the door or cower in the corner, will it stop?  I wish!  I stroke ginger’s head and her breathing relaxes.  I remain calm and reassure her I will always support her.  Sometimes I get pissed off at first, sure.  She can’t help her reactions, they’re instinctual.  She’s an animal.  I’m an animal.  Fight or flight.  Hang tight.  Look for the light.  Lighten up.   

to be continued, I'm sure.

head above water

Blogging on a mobile phone, aka smart ass phone. Laying under covers, my mind running football field lengths around aching muscle and spent energy. One finger poking this qwerty and LOL-ing at the ridiculousness of it all. Music pushes out of the teeny speaker, distracting the anxiety, diverting doubt, camoflauging. 3:43 am where the boys sleep and the dog nudges herself into human beds. And this blogger blogs.

Two loads of laundry, one days dirty dishes, and an empty Breyers ice cream container later, here I land. The Midwestern crooner smooths the ruts in my path. He also reminds me of how far I've come. And how far I've yet to fly. How many more photos I have to compose, create, and share. How many more words and sentences and blog entries and personal notes I have to write, recite, read, send. Reminder of the concert tickets in the blue envelope on the desk. A summer scene highly anticipated, highly sensitive.

Lids drooping. White screen burning into exhausted eyeballs. Arms stiffening their grip on the black box, portal to sanity and semblance. Good night and good morning friends. Thank you for letting me vent.

~L

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