~today I felt a bit veklempt (anyone watch SNL in the 80's?)...thinking about friends fighting illnesses and unexpected challenge, a blogger who has to hide her honesty, and how to face my self-doubt and forge ahead anyway...thus I look over my shoulder at my own words, written here several months ago, removed and revamped. Old words, new thoughts, former feelings, fresh anticipation, cathartic writing serves its purpose twice. And honors my hopeful honesty. Food for thought.
Writing helps center me, whether I’m read or not. Put myself out there in private as a trial run and then approach life with thoughts in order and behaviors tested. I shoulda’ coulda’ woulda’ this technique with past experiences. May have run smoother, may not have. Moving forward is the only direction now. Must I announce this beginning, the new journey I’m traveling? Must others know the details or just give it to them and let them explore with me? I like the latter with one exception…the questions. The answers don’t come quick. Hell, I don’t even have them yet. I am still unstructured.
Shaped and formed and tweaked and molded to suit my spirit. A friend helps this process and I can’t get enough. I’m set in overdrive…what’s the rush? One day at a time. No one can take this away from you. Your writing, your thoughts, your feelings about everything. But I want more anyway. More of the good stuff, the stuff that gets me high on living. Whatever force lives inside my body right now and has me physically electrified. It’s a new lifetime forming, being born.
Expectations run rampant in my world. I’m still unwrapping the pieces and fitting them together into my puzzle. Let’s start with mine. What’s on that list again? Kindness, service, loyalty, fear of God. OK, sounds reasonable. Is that list the same as my husband’s list for me? Probably. My kids’ list? Maybe. My patients, coworkers, neighbors, friends? Sounds good. So what’s the conundrum?
How is the question. How I think through my choices, how I combat my challenges and question my emotions. How others' perceive me. How I see myself. How I’ve been taught and how I’ve taught others. How my actions affect your actions and feelings and expectations of me…more circles goin round and round and round. I’m dizzy, and that is not a new fact. We have all been here before…
Do you know the impulsive, inconsiderate, selfish part of me who forgets to breathe before I pounce? The truth is…that’s my truth. The pattern is obvious by the journeys of my past, the turns I’ve taken at each sharp fork have given me the craving for better and the speed to run toward whatever pulls me closer to my truth. Pulls me closer to what I am and not what I should be for others. Pulls me out of one circle and into another. Magnets. Magnets are people too.
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
You have no idea how much you are helping me at the moment.
Love from across the ocean!
S.
cool pics. You know one thing I think? It seems sometimes you try so hard to be accepted. You try to conform instead of just being yourself.
You used to be really funny. Being ourselves sometimes is hard, because I guess we can be rejected. Those with the honesty to be themselves... the good and the bad, typically are pretty interesting people. The conformers = blah!!
Good luck Lorraine in all!!!
Interesting comments above...
I help one friend and turn off another. To each his own.
God's in charge. The Holy Spirit guides me. All complaints go to God. :)
Silke: I appreciate you too. We are family.
Steve: I am funny and your acceptance is not necessary for my journey.
"My truth is a bit different than yours....We each continue on our way. Enjoy it as much as possible, and realize God is overlooking so what bad can happen? There are tough days I guess, and it makes it seem like God isn't there, but he is...Good luck, we each embark on a journey now."~steve p.
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