The call comes in, waking me from the soundest sleep I've enjoyed in five days. She has an update, about Dad. He's on the move, traveling to Milwaukee tonight to check in at hospital number two. Dad's favorite cardiologist works there and Dad wants his expert second opinion. After all, a week at hospital number one provided no concrete answer for the man who lives in denial and mistrusts the results of the risky procedure he just paid for. "Everything looks the same," is not what my father can live with. Because if everything is the same, and his quality of daily life is consistently changing, what solution can he apply? What invasion can he request to reverse his labored breathing, swollen belly, and confusion?
Dr. number 2 may be able to rebuild him. This man is Dad's idol. The only man I've ever know dad to be intimidated by. Dad treats this mortal like a god and balances his life on his words. My father has hope now. Dad called doc at home, explained his disapproval of the results from the first hospital, and, snap, a room is available at the inn. Get on your donkey and ride north. Dad's pride is re inflated and his control is reinstated...for now.
Many emotions fill the time we sit in the waiting pattern. This last week alone included fire and brimstone and much guilty groveling. Accepting family for who they are is an exhausting endeavor, even for one who has over 30 years of experience. Introducing neutrality for the sake of sanity is my job. Well, my sister in law helps, since she's an outsider and sees us objectively. Her perspective is right on, and developed in less time then my insider's view. She reminds me that I am not alone in this dysfunction and that I can laugh at the situation...after we share a glass or two of wine.
My brother's wife loves life and her children produce it. I feel comfortable at their house, even though my brother is barely present. Ironically, I have jumped ship, been recruited to the other side, the non-blood, non-Italian, not-to-be-trusted outsider team. Dad's mantra to the three of his children: "You can only trust your family, your blood." Even as a young girl, watching my grandmother ignore her brother, her neighbor, as he walked past her house everyday, just felt wrong. As wrong as when she made us cross to the other side of the street to avoid the man-of-a-different-color walking toward us. Their definitions of morality made no sense to me. My father modeled loyalty to accountants, lawyers, and financial advisers to keep his business afloat, and at the same time dismissed the opinions and dreams of his intelligent 17 year old daughter. Some familial patterns aren't meant to be repeated.
Teach your children well. A father's hell will slowly go by...
My father's hell has arrived to greet him today. He sits at the mercy of medicine and limited choices. He laughs at the predicament over the phone, and his mind races with questions and worry as soon as he hangs up. He wants to protect his family until the final moment of his strength. He wants to pretend everything is status quo, and keep everyone feeling good. He is our patriarch and he is falling off his throne. We are his subjects, responsible to keep tempers at bay and emotions in check, and entertain our king. We have lived, are living, because this proud man sacrificed for us. Dad fought poverty and educational challenges to rise above his past. Dad adjusted his delivery to sell more and build more and create more than he ever imagined he could. A self-made man, striving for the common goal of most fathers...to provide. On this accomplishment alone, my father will sail into Heaven and feel the spirit of positive energy eternally. Hell has no fury like a daughter who forgives.
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
11/9/09
10/27/09
Today is now
Recipie for NOW: focus on living today, let go of yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow.
Today is one of the last days of my father's 72 year old life. He is living on borrowed time. What does this mean for my life now? Much of what I am today is directly related to dad. Good and bad. I live today because he lives now.
I forgave him years ago. I talk to him on the phone like he is one of my kids. He needs me now and I give him what he asks for. He and I think differently about almost everything, but I have figured out what positive influence I can be for his negative attitude and fear of death. He fights every minute against his sluggish heartbeat and broken down kidneys. He fights against the opinions of medical professionals and argues the benefit of paharmaceuticals. Dad is, and always was, his own man. His opinion matters first and foremost, even if the topic is you. Dad doesn't ask if you want to hear him, he orates independently. And if you disagree with dad now, you keep your mouth shut. He is too tired to process our perspective...was never good at doing that anyway.
Family rallying takes place often. Usually sister is the director of arrangements and hostess to our food fests. She and Dad are best friends. He raised her without my mom until she ran away when she was 16, then mom and her husband gave her a fresh environment to live out her teen years. My little sister acts the part of the eldest because she and dad are in charge. I follow and smile and remind myself to stay focused. Focusing on the grey skin and short breath of a very frail and skinny man, while his pride roars from every pore, even when his legs are so swollen that he must wear slippers out to dinner. Even when he must use his cane because his gout in his feet is painful when he walks. Now he is a man he never wished to become and he is scared. Only a few people know this...and it's never talked about in front of dad.
Today I will call him on the phone and ask him how he's feeling and he will tell me half truths, which is 50 % more truth than he used to offer. He knows now that I listen. He realizes that I can be useful to him sometimes. He needs to talk about how he feels. Dad doesn't open his true self very often. His mind is programmed to deny reality and manipulate the truth to fit his needs and wants. That is dad's NOW. This is how he has cheated death for a decade. This is why I have been gradually shedding my layer of "difficult daughter"; just doesn't work anymore. Winning isn't important. Being right has no place in a dying man's world...Dad would disagree.
History of a man's life is important to reveal. The successes and the trials, the fruits of his labor and the dreams lost, the people influenced and the influences received, the memories of childhood and missing family members, the hopes for his grand children and children, the work done and the work undone. Lifetimes past and lifetimes wanted. What must my dad be thinking right now? What must a man, who may not realize the intensity of his malady, think about during his daily routines? What he thinks and does and wishes for, is not for me to know. What I live for today is to give dad peace and bring him forgiveness and solace and home. I'm going home to see my father again...before he leaves our earth. Today. NOW.
Today is one of the last days of my father's 72 year old life. He is living on borrowed time. What does this mean for my life now? Much of what I am today is directly related to dad. Good and bad. I live today because he lives now.
I forgave him years ago. I talk to him on the phone like he is one of my kids. He needs me now and I give him what he asks for. He and I think differently about almost everything, but I have figured out what positive influence I can be for his negative attitude and fear of death. He fights every minute against his sluggish heartbeat and broken down kidneys. He fights against the opinions of medical professionals and argues the benefit of paharmaceuticals. Dad is, and always was, his own man. His opinion matters first and foremost, even if the topic is you. Dad doesn't ask if you want to hear him, he orates independently. And if you disagree with dad now, you keep your mouth shut. He is too tired to process our perspective...was never good at doing that anyway.
Family rallying takes place often. Usually sister is the director of arrangements and hostess to our food fests. She and Dad are best friends. He raised her without my mom until she ran away when she was 16, then mom and her husband gave her a fresh environment to live out her teen years. My little sister acts the part of the eldest because she and dad are in charge. I follow and smile and remind myself to stay focused. Focusing on the grey skin and short breath of a very frail and skinny man, while his pride roars from every pore, even when his legs are so swollen that he must wear slippers out to dinner. Even when he must use his cane because his gout in his feet is painful when he walks. Now he is a man he never wished to become and he is scared. Only a few people know this...and it's never talked about in front of dad.
Today I will call him on the phone and ask him how he's feeling and he will tell me half truths, which is 50 % more truth than he used to offer. He knows now that I listen. He realizes that I can be useful to him sometimes. He needs to talk about how he feels. Dad doesn't open his true self very often. His mind is programmed to deny reality and manipulate the truth to fit his needs and wants. That is dad's NOW. This is how he has cheated death for a decade. This is why I have been gradually shedding my layer of "difficult daughter"; just doesn't work anymore. Winning isn't important. Being right has no place in a dying man's world...Dad would disagree.
History of a man's life is important to reveal. The successes and the trials, the fruits of his labor and the dreams lost, the people influenced and the influences received, the memories of childhood and missing family members, the hopes for his grand children and children, the work done and the work undone. Lifetimes past and lifetimes wanted. What must my dad be thinking right now? What must a man, who may not realize the intensity of his malady, think about during his daily routines? What he thinks and does and wishes for, is not for me to know. What I live for today is to give dad peace and bring him forgiveness and solace and home. I'm going home to see my father again...before he leaves our earth. Today. NOW.
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