cleaning up the slush

As you may have noticed, I've added a few blog entries from my recent past.  I deleted saved  emails, especially those I know don't have the same meaning for me today. The salvaged and meaningful parts now rest peacefully at my newly decorated and reorganized blog.  Welcome to 2010.

Beginnings are as complicated as endings sometimes.  I deem today, day number one, a good starting line for honest self realization.  Honesty seems to be the running subject this week with my friends and family.  One blogger friend writes that he is honestly expressing anger and sadness in front of people who may not understand his challenge.  Another friend is angered because of someone else's dishonesty aimed in her direction.  My honest opinions are stirred up inside, waiting for permission to expel.  How, when, why will the truth be set free?

Even though my December has been quite grey, I intend to turn my January into a opportunity rainbow hanging proudly above the path of least resistance.  I'm forgetting the unanswered requests and the hollow expectations.  The last three months have to be put onto the shelf.  No more analyzing.  No more questions.  No more unanswered emails.  No more daily doses.  No more wishing and wanting.  What I have now is what I will have always.  Let's make this count girlfriend!

So day #1 is another beginning. Revisiting my recently written words has highlighted the truth of my weaknesses.  I don't like looking at myself closely.  The mirror doesn't lie.  And what appears to be me, may not be who I am representing.  I promise to pull myself together each and every morning so I may look honestly at my core.  My soul is real and my hurt is real, and I will get through this fog.  My happiness is true too.  And my contentment with what I have now, is enough...is more than enough, if I see the truth.

Back to perspective, a theme I started contemplating at the beginning of December, when searching for my photographic roots.  Now I own a camera and I looked through the lens and found another view.  This view is going to be shared and shouted out to everyone I love.  You don't have to love my view or me.  I don't expect from you anymore.  I only expect from me.  Great expectations today.

If I continue to rely on other human beings to lift me or direct me or praise my soul, then I will wilt and maybe die.  I am not afraid to die, I am afraid to die broken.  Death is sweet and heavenly and different perspective.  Death is where I will forever be honest and eternally be comfortable with myself.  God  wants me to work on these attributes here, on the evil earth.  A trial run to strengthen my soul and generate faithfulness of love to other sinners.  Simple.  Wise.  Necessary.  peace.

Music and medicine and hugs and help;  photographs and finishing and listening and letting; acceptance and awareness and belief and blogging.  Recipe for renewal.  Equation for equalizing.  Plan to prepare to be proud.  :)