they're just spies

I stole the title from Coldplay. They must know why I'm boarded up and behind closed doors.

If you ever feel neglected, if you think that all is lost, I'll be counting out my demons, hoping everything's not lost. (more Coldplay)

So tired of silence. Silence rocks my world right now. Noise is missing. Noise is necessary. My fuzzy, grey noise, buzzing inside my brain, humming louder with each revolution, gaining speed of sound and velocity of violence, garnering tidbits of answers from behind now and pressing into questions about now. NOW. THEN. WTF? My annoyance with simplicity grows with each hour of silent treatment and unanswered response. I wrote it up. The thesis of my NOW. I gave it out. I shared honesty and truth and growth and soul...simply. Smartly. Sincerely. Privately. printed out, not on a screen or cc'ed or drafted by blogger. It's physically and literally in his hands. or in his garbage or in his desk drawer or in his memory. I dunno cause he hasn't responded. Today is day 6.

What did God do on day 6? I know 7 was the restful one. Maybe he'll be ironically timely and tomorrow my heart will beat slower and my neck muscles will loosen and the salty liquid pushing at my eyelids will retreat. Maybe I'll hear what he thinks or feels or wants tomorrow. At this point I've gone through a few possible responses. Shit, we're experts at looking at what's wrong with our union. Experts at listing what doesn't work and what we've tried and retried and talked to death about trying. Experts at let's hang in there for a little while. Experts at feeling great about our strides and then falling through the floor in an instant.

That's what really bugs me now...the immediate change from laughter to anger in the same conversation. The transition into total chaos and doubt. I wrote one of you recently how my marriage is the best it's ever been...and here we stand in the mud up to our knees. I can't say I know how this will turn around. I can say that I know where my head and heart sit and I will be true to myself. The truth will set me free, right? The truth about life and love is one tricky son0fabitch to learn.

Healthy me wants to meet healthy him. I don't now when that will happen. Honest me introduced myself to honest him six days ago and here we are. Waiting for the shakedown, the shakeup, the line to be drawn or jumped over or raised with the bar. More of the same or more? Begin again or end up? Share or shut out?

I'll shut up now.