to have and to hold

I'm not gonna stand and wait

I'm nothing on my own

~Coldplay

what feels right,
right here,
next to, in front, and around every corner
the one who knows,
knows
who I am
why I am here
what I need to work on
and working
together

talk and tell and teach,

feel what I feel 

listen, learn, like me

best

not when I'm holding the conch shell

not when I'm falling asleep while you read

not the minute I walk in the door

you understand

you just forgot

so did I

happenstance has changed our plans...






we share
we hear
we feel
we know
we are together

everlasting

everything

Rocky mountain high

Peaceful blue mountains and sky's shades of grey,
warm words nestled with truth and hope,
scattered pictures among trailing thoughts;
perspective,
independently insightful,
daringly deep.

Listen to your soul and relax.
Find your truth and read.
Demand more and write.
Allow incentive.
Enter outside the lines.
Be the blog.

emergence

I've tended my garden,

hoed and tilled and fertilized. 

Ignored it too.  

The muddy path and tangled roots are clearing.  

My seedlings are planted, 

sheltered from the wind and snow that will fall again. 

Spring will come. 

I didn't realize how lost I was.  

I didn't understand my need to recover passions, dreams, and to answer unanswered questions.   

A spark lit inside of me that I had no idea was dying.  

I had no inkling of its existence, of the flames preparing to ignite.  

I found an old friend.  

And everything changed.

I opened my eyes and pointed my gaze inward. 

He reminded me of a lifetime where my heart was clean and fresh and trusting.  He represents a part of myself, of my life, that was forgotten and left for dead.  His contact revived me without intention.  He assured me by proxy.  My friend did what I remember of him three decades ago:  shared kindness.  

I felt encouraged to bust open my soul’s windows, 

to enter cautiously into the dark depths of myself, kept hidden and cold. 

And I ran. 
I ran into my fire. 
The warmth engulfs me and I become complacent and charred. 

I've been running through my fire for months,

 fanning flames with beer and chocolate, 

throwing on logs made of restlessness and doubt, 

walking over hot coals instead of walking with God.  

Such is life.  Life worth fighting for. 
Life lived once on earth and life of grace to live later. 
No matter how fast I run, or how hot my soul’s fire, life will lead.  
I am life’s follower.  

I am part of the massive picture, the one I cannot begin to see unless I believe. 

Unless I allow my talents to emerge positively. 
Unless I allow others inside, even when I doubt they will understand. 


Unless I turn my face to the sun especially during the dark of night.  
Unless I forgive myself for my past.  


Unless I open my perspective to possibility I fear.  
Unless I slow down enough to hear my soul’s song.  


Unless I tend my garden and share my laborious fruits.  
Unless I look around the blinders and stretch my head out of the sand.  


Unless I ask and unless I answer.

I live

I see 

I love

I am grateful for who I am 

and who surrounds me.  

Peace

Hugs

Light

Love~L

I'm hungry. I'm foolish.

I am the one in our family that brings up the death discussions. 

When I was in college, many years ago (ahem), I was alone with my step Grandmother when she coded in the hospital and died. She was the first body I stared at lying in a casket wearing caked make-up, not the way she looked all those weekends she slept at our home. 

I wrote about it and felt better.

I took a course at Indiana University called "Death and Dying" and read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book about the stages of grieving.   After studying dying, death, and how our loved ones are affected, I promised myself to plan my arrangements.  I bring up the subject freely, with my husband, my kids, my siblings, my parents...just as if the interest of my organ donation request and eventual cremation is dinner table talk.

I live and I die everyday. 

 We all do. 

  If we prepare for life's daily routines, then we should also plan for

 the day we die...and a few days after that.

Look at one day in a life of a mortal being.

One day we cannot choose. 

Life and death are in God's hands.

The most we can plan is the celebration of and the dispensing of worldly possessions, 

including this body we wear now.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

~Steve Jobs (Stanford commencement speech, 2005)

Life is NOW...let's LIVE!

~L

How did I get here?

I am the face of depression. 

I am the face of mental illness.

I am the face of mental health.

I am the face of recovery.

I am the face of emotion.

I am the face of misunderstanding.

I am the face of change.

I am the face of passion.

I am the face of humanity.
I am the face of generosity.

I am the face of frustration.

I am the face of negativity.

I am the face of a wife.

I am the face of a mother.

I am the face of a sister.

I am the face of a daughter.

I am the face of family.

I am the face of your friend.

I am the face of creativity.

I am the face of a nurse.

I am the face of reality.

No longer can I hide. 

No longer may I crawl away.

I started writing here two years ago, when I felt like I found buried treasure.  My writing voice tucked away and safely stored.  My passion, masked by the veil I so proudly learned to cover my inadequacies.  My feeling, my soul, my longing for more, all gradually reappeared as I looked inside myself, as I honestly asked, and stubbornly demanded answers.  I have some now.  I will hear more soon.  I’m on the path of redemption.  I am serving penance for my missing years.  Years began a lifetime ago this month.  Years I was granted by God and years I lived unconsciously, mind and soul split into pieces, like torn paper floating downstream.  I was lost and now I’m found.  Or something equally dramatic and less prophetic.  How did I get here?

woods and water

rustic romp

two souls and a dog

temporary tin residence

louvered windows and flowered upholstery

avocado appliance

not your mother's kitchen

kids grown

uninterested

just us

taking off

turning corners

touching base

beer, cigarettes, bare feet 

chopping wood, shooting pics, napping

walks on the pier, dune climbing, bag toss game

Coors light, Jim and ginger, mustard pretzels

grilled cheese burgers, garden tomatoes, scrambled eggs w/ snausages

good enough to repeat

looking forward to retreat

camp on!

tiny tiles color my world...thank you Marc Chagall

scream of consciousness

so many words to write and one wrong move by my right hand sends them packing.  feelings and needs and rants wrapped up in that stream before it left the building with Elvis.  it screamed with everything stored inside, held the fog ransom while my fingers vomited the irrationality of my reality onto the keys and into cyberspace.  tears followed suit.  rose colored glasses inaccessible.  

I love you.

peace.

~L